Unintentional Love

It was 4 a.m and my mind was filled with the thoughts of him. Maybe it was the side effect of four cups of coffee I drank before to give me an extra kick for finishing my thesis. God, please help me finish my final year. Please.

I wonder how he's doing right now? Probably asleep since he couldn't stay up late. That's what he told me four years ago, or he could be watching a football game with his brother. I don't know if he has changed.

Did I just think of him? No, I shouldn't. I need to remove him from my memory, seriously.

---

I woke up with the sound of Mom yelling, "Shaa, wake up!! Your graduation ceremony is today, remember?!"

Ah, right.

Graduation ceremony today. It should've been the happiest moment of my life but rather, I fell into remorse. Tomorrow, I would be no longer a part of something. I would be no longer a student, and I haven't got any job yet. Reality hit me, it was scary.                                                                                                        

"ASHAA, GO TO THE BATHROOM THIS INSTANT!"

"Okay, Mom!!"

---

Remind me again why I hate graduation ceremony. It was literally packed of people with heavy makeup and lots of perfume. I felt dizzy all of the sudden.

The graduation ceremony went pretty well. Of course I had to trip several times before went up to the stage because of this 15cm high heels that I used. It was so uncomfortable and my heels were starting to hurt.

Actually, there would be several events happening after the official ceremony ended which organized by the juniors. I was not planning to go. I felt dizzy and all I wanted to do is to go home and enjoy my last day of being unproductive.

The front hall was filled with people. There were people taking photos of each other, giving flowers, balloons or simply chatting. My family had left since 2 hours ago, because Mom had to go to the toilet and she couldn't use public toilet because of "hygiene" reasons. My friends also had left 5 minutes ago, they were going to grab lunch. I wanted to change into more comfortable outfit first before joining them. I headed to the front gate to grab a taxi. As usual, I walked with my head down to avoid the sun and eye contact with stranger. An awkward potato-- is pretty much me in a nutshell.

Suddenly I felt someone's presence beside me. I ignored it though, like I usually did with stranger.

The person coughed ever so dramatically like he had never coughed before. I realized at that moment that the person is a male. I still ignored him, though.

Suddenly the heat wasn't that deadly anymore. I looked up to the sky, only to meet a dark blue umbrella. I was about to look at the person beside me when he said, "You are still hard to approach,"

I looked fo my left and find a tall guy, smiling at me. It was him. He was there, right in front of me. My brain was telling me to run, to get away from his sight. But I couldn't.

So I just stood there, dumbfounded.

--

2008.

First day of school tomorrow. Anxiety was eating me, again. I felt nervous and I couldn't sleep. My closest friends were all in a different school. I knew some people from junior high school but still... what if no one wants to befriend me?

A week had passed and I thought, 'High school isn't so bad after all'. I had befriended few people, fortunately.

It was Friday, in the second week of high school when my home teacher decided to rotate the chair position so everyone would have the same opportunity of being at the back and at the front. The rotation would happen every two days.

"Yay, I can sit in front of Ashaa!", I was shocked and turned my head to the voice owner's direction. The whole class started to make a fuss out of it, teasing me and.. what was his name again?

Ah, Dean.

I looked at him with confused look. As far as I remember, that was the first time he talked to me. I never talked to him either. He smiled with his eyes at me. I smiled at him back.

'He has such a nice smile', I thought to myself.

That was our first interaction. Over 2 weeks our relationship had grown so much, it was as if we were friends before this life. We would tell each other stories we never shared to others, remind each other about school work, and just enjoying each other company in class whenever there was free time.

It was lunch break, I didn't have any appetite so I skipped lunch. I laid my head on the table, and looked at my chair mate's table. My mind was blank. Suddenly I locked eyes with someone. At that moment, he also laid down his head and looked at my direction.

"Why aren't you eating lunch?", he asked. We were so close. My heart was beating super fast I was afraid he could hear it. I didn't want to look like I was affected by his sudden action, so I stayed in my position.

"Just don't feel like it", I answered. He arched his left eyebrow and said, "Huh? Last time I checked, someone said she couldn't live without food". He remembered what I said. That made me smile for no reason, and he smiled afterwards. Seeing that smile from up close was the best thing that happened that day.

He suddenly got up, looking bothered and serious, like he was doubting about something. After 30 seconds that felt like 30 years, he sat back and asked, "Sha, can I ask you about something?"

"What is it?", I got up to face him. Still wondering what had gotten into his mind for him to look that serious.

"But you can't be sad after I ask you this, okay", Well, that was unexpected. "Okay. I promise I won't be sad."

"Promise?", I nodded in response.

"How.. did your Dad die?", he looked at me with worries. I was shocked at the question because I never told anyone about my Dad. I didn't really mind being asked about him, tough. He looked at me with worries and his eyes showed a tint of sorrow as I told him about how my dad died 4 years ago. I suddenly felt sad. I stuttered here and there, stopped mid sentence just to calm myself, trying not to cry. It was my first time telling someone about my Dad, I didn't expect it would affect me so much.

As I was about to finish my story telling session, the teacher came and everybody rushed into the class. My chair mate showed up and he asked Dean to leave but he resisted. He said he wanted to sit next to me because his chair mate smelled like goat.

If you ever thought that Dean was a nice and kind high school kid, you're dead wrong. He said anything he wanted, didn't care about his image at all, fart in front of people and loved to annoy the whole school, not to mention, me. That was his charm though. He was carefree and filled with Joy.

As you would have probably expected, I started to develop feelings for him, although I didn't show it at all. He probably didn't notice it either. I didn't do anything about my feelings. I just stored it there, in my heart.

One day, he came to me looking all smiley. He sat in front of me, and as always, my heart fluttered. "I want to tell you something, but you shouldn't laugh!", he said to me.

"What? You want to tell me about your goat jokes? Won't work on me." I laughed at the thought.

"Nooo, Asha!" he looked frustrated. He took a deep breath and said, "Okay. So... I kind.. of... attracted to one of your friends..." I stopped laughing. He looked at me, waiting for my response. I couldn't think of anything at that moment, but I was sure I heard the sound of my heart shattered. I laughed to break the ice, pretended to care, listened to his stories about how gorgeous she was, and smiled. He smiled throughout the whole conversation, with a face as red as a tomato. He was still cute, nonetheless.

After that moment, I started to push him away. I didn't want to see him because I was mad. He just couldn't stop bringing up topics about her. I was hurt and he just couldn't see it, I didn't want to show it either. I didn't want to make it too obvious, but I slowly ignored him until completely abandoned him for a month.

For almost two weeks we didn't talk. He did try to make a conversation, but I didn't give him the response he wanted. In the end he would leave me and I would be left behind thinking about how stupid I was. That Tuesday, I was talking with my friend when he entered the class and we locked eyes. He walked up to me and said, "Why do you ignore me?"

I was surprised and I didn't answer him. I hated that situation so much. "Asha, why?" he sounded hurt, but firm. I looked at him and answered, "No, I am not ignoring you.." and smile afterwards. He scoffed and said, "You are, Sha." then left.

At that moment I knew that we just couldn't be friends anymore. I was too stubborn to let go of my feelings, and he was too preoccupied in getting a girl. I decided that day, I wouldn't speak a word to him. I would avoid him at all costs.

And that was the story of how I lose my first best friend.

--

"I mean, if I were you I would've run for dear life because a stranger kept on following me. But you ignored my presence like I wasn't even there."

He started talking but his eyes were glued to something else. He was not looking at me. What happened to this person, actually?

I wanted to take advantage of this moment to take a better look at him. He was wearing a dark blue jeans, a black blazer with black shirt underneath, and a pair of black oxford shoes. Even though I wore a 15cm high heels, he was still taller than me. He smells the same as he used to, still as handsome as ever. Still charismatic when he talked. Still glowing in my eyes.

"I feel hurt, to be honest", he ended his long rant about me ignoring him with a slight pout. God, kill me now. He was even more cute.

I snapped my self out of my little observation of him, and looked at him directly in his eyes.

"Um.. I'm sorry about earlier.. You know how I deal with people," I laughed awkwardly and he smiled. Yes, that was awkward, strangely enough, I didn't mind it one bit.

"Why are you here?", I asked him.

"Can't you ask how I've been first? Geez, you're still as straightforward as I used to know", he laughed. He's teasing me again. Oh how I miss his jokes and teasing even though most of the time I'd end up ignoring him.

"How have you been?", finally I said it.

"I've been good. I wanted to come to this beautiful girl graduation ceremony today. But sadly traffic got me."

"Ah, your girlfriend is a member of my college, too?" My heart dropped at the thought.

"Psst. Still insensitive. That beautiful girl is youu" he patted my head and pinched my cheek. My heart skipped a beat. He finally pinched my cheek after all these years. didn't know what to do, so I just smiled. "Congratulations on your graduation, Ashaa" he smiled at me and handed me a gift.

--- To be continued.

OKAY, THAT WAS AWKWARD.

That was my first ever attempt on making a romantic piece and I love it. I mean, I love the process of it, not sure with the actual piece. I will probably want to hide myself in a closet for 100 years as soon as I hit that orange Publish button. Anyway, have a nice Wednesday people!